Seek First to Understand then to be Understood

Seek First to Understand then to be Understood

Throughout this site I have stressed the importance of effective communication. Both with yourself (See: Core: Intimacy and Sex - 4. Communication) and others (See: Core: Relationships - 6. Your Relationship with Others).

The more I think about this, the more I believe that your ability to communicate with and understand yourself determines how effectively you communicate with and understand others.

By ‘communicate with your self’ I mean your ability ‘go inside’ to understand your real nature, your true self.

When you know who and what you are, and what you want, you project that with confidence and energy. You are ‘alive’. Authentic.

So it follows that the response you get will largely be determined by how you present yourself and communicate.

If you’re not having the open and honest connection with others, especially your partner, that you want and need, understand that the only measure of how well YOU are communicating is the response that you get.

This is tough to accept at first. It may seem especially unfair when the person you are communicating with isn’t doing their part...

But once you take responsibility for bringing the right words and the right kind of talking and sharing into your relationships......

Your relationships will instantly shift on their own.

So here’s the question...

Can you take 100% responsibility for the way you communicate to others, especially your partner?

“You INGRATE! DESERTER! SELFISH MAN!
I dreamed you won $24 million in the
lottery and promptly left me!”

Or, are you wrapped up in blaming them, trying to prove how they are hurting you, rather than trying to get to what is right?

Think about what you and the way you communicate bring into your relationships.

Have you had several relationships where the communication you shared was awful? Where you found out about all the important things going on inside the others’ head after the fact when it was too late and you were giving up on the relationship.........

Then here’s your wake-up call.

What you need to do is simple really. It doesn’t cost anything and it can be very quick.

Imagine that: a FREE, simple quick solution!

All you need to do is to take 100% personal responsibility for creating the kind of communication you want in your relationships.

Communication IS the response you get to YOU!

In other words, to have the understanding, empathy and emotional exchange that you want, you need to help the person you’re sharing your thoughts and feelings with, actually ‘get’ what you’re saying.

Just because you know what you want to say, it’s too easy to assume that with a few simple words, the other person will instantly ‘get it’ and understand where you’re coming from.

WRONG.

Think about it: even YOU don’t always know and understand all the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that are going through your head! I don’t.

Let’s look at an example of a woman trying to relate to a man...

Women have the added challenge that most men aren’t trying to relate to what you’re thinking and feeling anyway.

Instead, their mind is usually somewhere else completely and not focused on relating and understanding at that time.

This applies especially if you haven’t taken the time to engage him on an emotional level to help him get in touch with his and your feelings.

So what do men often do instead of relating to you and understanding you ladies?

They try to solve the ‘problem’ they think is causing you to feel so intensely upset in the first place.

Or they’re trying to escape from the intense feelings and emotions you’re going through. They don’t understand them. Or, they’re not in the mental and emotional place to take them in and talk to you about them.

That just frustrates us even more.

How can Women Engage Men more Effectively?

How can we encourage men to be in the right mental and emotional place, where he’ll naturally want to listen, share, and connect with you on a more open emotional level?

You do this by creating an Emotional Engagement with a man.

What’s that?

This can be as simple as rubbing the back of his neck gently with your hands, or respecting his need for space and time with the ‘boys’.

Or, it can be as difficult as trying to explain to him over and over what’s going on in your relationship that’s causing problems... and having him not want to listen or talk to you anymore.

Which would you chose?

How can Men Engage Women more Effectively?

For you men, how do we ladies like to be communicated with?

We’re easy! We’ll tell you IF you ask!

What we want is simply to be acknowledged, understood and respected.

Just listen to us, be receptive, show interest.

But PLEASE don’t immediately jump into problem solving mode.

That problem is usually not the problem!

The problem is: we are trying to say: “LISTEN to me PLEASE.”

When we feel ignored, we get more emotional and frustrated. And you withdraw.

Stalemate.

Perhaps then effective communication between people comes down to one word?

Understand.

Understand yourself.

Understand the other.

Or, in the words of Stephen R. Covey:

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

What do you say?

Would you like to create an “Emotional Engagement” with your partner?

Are you ready to leave the dead-end patterns of misunderstanding, withdrawal, and not having others seem to listen or care about your feelings?

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