My Story Introduction | Stage 0 | Stage 1 | Stage 2 | Stage 3 | Stage 4 | Stage 5 | Stage 6
Stage 0: My MS Origins
Introduction
It seemed as if the onset of my MS symptoms was sudden. The truth is MS, as with most chronic diseases, develops over time. Sadly we often don’t realise it until too late.
In hind sight I was incredibly foolish.
I led a crazy lifestyle to hide my internal angst. Then after the MS diagnosis, I spent the next 10 years of Hell trying to understand how I had gone so wrong.
What follows are my discoveries about the origins split into the following sections:
MS Origins: Age 1-16
Once Upon A Time.....
On December 22 1964 Caramia was born to Polish parents in Nigeria. Much to Mum’s relief, the little fighter kicking her insides relentlessly was out!
That fighting spirit was to manifest itself later in many ways.......
I remember my first 15 years being characterised by:
Extensive Travel in Africa, Asia and Europe with My Parents
This variety fascinated me. Though it was only later that I appreciated the fantastic grounding in cultural differences and perspectives. Much time was spent in Germany with my uncle’s family. I became fluent in German and passionate about RICH Black Forest Chocolate cake, with LOTS of dark chocolate sauce - especially Belgian chocolate!
We settled in the UK - Herts. But I continued to travel widely for work, holidays and the Military.
Extremes of Happiness and Sadness
I was an extrovert, a happy child. I loved playing games involving many people. Acting like a Doctor was my favourite because I could look after and love people to my heart’s delight!
Nurse Caramia
It seemed ‘a natural’ for me to follow a Medical career, especially as some family members were in the Medical profession. I didn’t because I was lousy in the Sciences, and hated the sight of others’ blood!
My Family called me “Spitzbube” = German for “Robber of my heart”, and “Caramia” (“My Darling”). My Friends called me “Smiler” because I was always happy and smiling. Boys called me “Lanky Legs” and “Knobbly Knees”, as I was very tall and skinny and had the most amazing knobbles on my knees - Yes, they’re still there! 
I enjoyed and was good at creative hobbies like drawing, painting, sewing, writing and pottery. Athletics and sports also grabbed me.
Academia did not: As a kid, I was none too bright! I passed the necessary exams. Just!
Despite all this positive energy, I remember trying to hide a growing sadness and confusion. It was centered around my father and started at age 6.
Confusion
As an adult I see and appreciate how my family have been mostly loving and supportive of me. As a child, my perspective of my father was very different.
When I was six years old, I experienced a deep trauma. My father came into my bedroom and fondled me. I froze as he rubbed my unformed nipples and tried to prize apart my outer labia.
I tried to fight him. He was too strong. Suddenly he stopped, leaving me numb with shock.
Of course, as an adult I can rationalise that experience as nothing serious. Technically, he did not rape me. But he did violate me physically and emotionally.
But as a child, I was terrified and confused. It affected me deeply.
This fear was compounded by my father’s domineering personality. He had an unusual combination of characteristics: very formal, authoritative, controlling and disciplined one moment. Then extremely extroverted, loving, kind and generous the next.
Overall, he exuded an aura of intelligence, confidence, and control. A man not to be fooled with.
I was afraid of him.
I think others were too sometimes. Even my mother seemed to ‘tip toe’ around him and obey his every command. I was angry and sad when I saw her so squashed.
When dad was angry: Watch Out! If I said or did the slightest thing wrong, he would erupt.
A horsewhip was used on me once and threatened at me many times.
I tried to cover up my fear either by silence or by impressing my father with my artwork and writing. Most of the time I kept out of his way and shut up.
But whenever friends or family came to visit, I flung my inhibitions aside and allowed my natural lightness and gaiety to shine.
Such times were too few. Mostly I remember feeling isolated and unloved
I complained that I didn’t have the fun and freedom of other children. Despite all the travel, I still felt squashed by my father’s overbearing personality.
My sister had similar difficulties with him, and they had numerous ‘eruptions’.
She became outwardly rebellious. I suppressed my thoughts and feelings.
By the age of 16, I appeared happy but was in fact very confused and frustrated.
I developed bad stomach aches and constipation and tried to deal with it by not eating.
Confidence and Control
I came to realise that not eating was one area I could control without my father’s influence. And it got my mother’s focused attention!
In a strange way this ‘Victory’ gave me more Confidence. I like and wanted more Control. More Victories!
Borneo Chums
My next ‘Victory’ was securing work in Borneo (East Kalimantan), Indonesia, where I had holidayed with my parents. I helped Transmigrants (people being resettled from the densely populated islands of Indonesia) to establish themselves in Borneo and I loved it.
How was I ‘qualified’ to do this at 16?
Of course, I wasn’t.
So I learned. Very quickly! I listened, watched and learned from my colleagues and from Action.
Fortunately, my appearance was a Big advantage, and a key reason why I was ‘accepted’ so quickly by locals as well as Transmigrants.
I was tall, slim, tanned and had long thick blond hair.
Many of the locals and Transmigrants had never seen this combination of characteristics in a female. So they called me the ‘Golden Girl Spirit’.
They thought my ‘gold’ hair was a source of ‘magical powers’ and my ‘golden’ skin a reflection of being ‘inhabited’ by benevolent, wealthy Gods. They couldn’t stop touching me!
Although it was weird, the truth is I loved it! I was openly adored and admired...even if as a ‘Spirit’!
Otherwise, the work and environment were harsh. Very harsh.
Toilets? Toothpaste? TV? A mattress? What?
The toilet was, well, anywhere! Toothpaste, mattresses and TV were non existent and my ‘bed’ was a rickety board on slabs with mouldy foam for ‘softening’.
I preferred the hammock! It got me away from the cockroaches and scorpions...but not the monkeys!
Mum & Baby Orangutan
Sometimes, a team of us would venture deep into the Rain forests. We got lost several times, and ran out of supplies. On one such occasion, our communications equipment was damaged in a violent storm when we were hundreds of kilometres from habitation.
No food, water, or interaction with the ‘outside world’ was adventurous at first. Then, over a week, as hunger, thirst and fear took over, the behavior of my male colleagues became unbearable. I was the only female and easy ‘prey’. I was better off living with the ‘real’ animals!
Borneo has an incredibly varied wildlife. Meet the pygmy elephant, the sumatran rhino, orangutans, the clouded leopard, the moonrat and the sun bear. The proboscis monkey with its long flattened nose is awesome!
Delightful.
Probiscis Monkey
Yes, Borneo was varied, tough and enlightening. It forced me to grow up quickly. I loved the challenge, the independence, the contrast with a stifled home life.
I loved being loved! Of course I now realise that I was loved by my father....he just communicated it in a way that I didn’t understand at the time
Returning to the UK and ‘home’ was a major ‘culture shock’!
Caramia ‘after’ Borneo was more serious, studious and appreciative. I was also very cautious about men.
I became a voracious reader of anything and everthing I could find, especially my father’s philosophy books.
I devoured Plato’s ‘The Republic’, Aristotle’s ‘The Nichomachean Ethics’ and Locke’s ‘An Essay Concerning Human Understanding’, plus many more. Leo Tolstoy’s ’War & Peace’, Napoleon Hill’s ’Think and Grow Rich’ and Freud’s ’Anno O’ fascinated me!
Of course, a lot of this was way over my head! And I wonder whether I did it for my genuine ‘education’ or to Prove My Worth to myself and to my father
By then, fear of my father had decreased and understanding, admiration and respect increased.
Likewise, as I became more serious, academic and ‘in control’, his respect for me increased.
Conclusion: Age 1-16
My early extreme behavioural changes were caused by my perception of an autocratic, aggressive, controlling father who squashed my natural exuberance and denied me love.
To cope with the tension and stress, I suppressed my confusion and taught myself to be calm, controlled and high achieving.
I became a ‘control freak’, ironically the very characteristic that I feared in my father. Yet, by being controlling myself, it was as if I were endorsing it!
The next 25 years exacerbated the early patterns and effectively guaranteed ill health. My life became characterised by extremes: I pushed myself beyond what on many occasions was reasonable.
Of course, my constant ‘busyness’ meant I had no to time ponder the real emptiness of it all.
Over time, my controlling force, emotional repression and high achieving passion developed an inner turmoil, and eventual physical breakdown seen in the MS symptoms you know.
MS Origins: Age 17-36
This period was clearly characterised by three main activities:
In each case, I strove for excellence, and on the surface, achieved it.
I was motivated by my desire to prove to myself and others that I was ‘in control’, capable, worthy and lovable.
Sadly, during those years I didn’t realise that I had no need to ‘Prove’ myself or my worth. Just being myself would have been fine!
Nor did I understand that to be ’lovable’ I needed to live and give unconditional love first. 
Academia
My travel, work experience and desire to excel showed me that I needed to be much more focused about formal education. Up to that point, I had ‘got by’ without too much thought or effort.
With that decision it seemed ‘obvious’ to aim for an Oxbridge degree!
Graduation
A bit ‘mad’ given I was not very bright!
To make up for my lack of brains, I applied sheer will power: I focused, focused, focused and worked my butt off for a place at Cambridge University. A year later I excelled in the the Entrance exams and qualified for a Scholarship.
That WAS a surprise!
But it confirmed my growing belief that with focus and determination, I could achieve much.
Cambridge was indeed a great experience and I enjoyed both the work and play. I feel privileged to have been there. The variety of things to do and gifted people to meet was fantastic.
I set up a Debating society at my College and attracted ‘famous’ people to give talks. Dame Margaret Drabble, Lord Jeffrey Archer, Rabbi Julia Neuberger and Prof. Stephen Hawking were just a few.
Then there was ball room dancing, canoeing, cycling, parties: Too much opportunity not to work!
It was at Cambridge that I became involved with the Military: The British Royal Air Force (RAF) in RAF Intelligence
The Military: RAF Intelligence
My father had been in the Polish Air Force and RAF, so the Military experience was not unfamiliar to me. It certainly explained much about his (and my) character!
So when at Cambridge I met some RAF Intelligence reps who painted a glorified picture of the life in RAF Intelligence, I became interested.
Long story short, I joined in a Reservist capacity while completing my studies.
Then the Falklands War broke out........
It quickly became clear that the nature of my RAF work would take all of my spare time and more. Indeed, I became an expert in my field (Terrorism), and was often called up after work, at weekends and sometimes longer to travel wherever in the world my skills were needed.
Military life was exciting, challenging, fun and Hell.
It also reinforced, and even legitimized, my passion for control.
My respect for The Official Secrets Act requires my discretion. But I can say that the extremes of environment and behaviour encountered were staggering.
In Terrorism, torture and human degradation were common.
Sadly, when I was caught and tortured by terrorists, the depraved behavior was shocking and unrepeatable here.
Though my training and mental strength pulled me through, the scars will always remain. Emotional, psychological and sexual trauma can be much worse than the physical pain.
The latter goes in time. Trauma festers.
Indeed, emotional, psychological and sexual trauma is like a chronic illness: it slowly eats away at your body, mind, heart and soul until addressed at the root.
Of course I didn’t know this then. So I coped by doing the ‘done thing’: ‘British stiff upper lip’.
Stupid or what? 
Given the extreme emotional, psychological and physical stress in the RAF, it was hardly surprising that I started to get weird physical symptoms: shaking, dizziness, numbness, cramping, blurred vision and severe spasms throughout my body.
Mostly, I was able to suppress them, especially as they were fleeting.
Ten years later when my symptoms were far more severe and constant they were given the Multiple Sclerosis ‘label’
But back then......not so...
In the military environment, the RAF had another ‘label’ for such symptoms.....‘Gulf War’ or ‘Torture Syndrome’.
In Core: Emotions - Sections 1.2 - 1.3 and My Story Stage 2: My ‘Sign’ At Diagnosis, you will discover how such symptoms are defined and understood differently dependent on the context.....Fascinating stuff!
I just accepted that ‘Torture Syndrome’ was what I had!
MS was never mentioned.
So, with the same steely determination and stubbornness of my father, I continued to add more stress to an overworked body that was trying to tell me to slow down.
For the next 16 years I led a highly pressured, demanding Military life while also climbing the Civilian Corporate ladder......
Civilian Work
Although I had the option to work full time for the RAF, I declined. Part time was enough!
So when I saw a Cambridge newspaper ad for a Communications Consultant / Business Development Manager I grabbed it. This appealed to my go getting, relationship focus traits.
Success there provided the spring board to a globe trotting Career of Corporate ladder climbing.
In addition to my RAF Intelligence role, I worked in Companies such as IBM, ICL, Phillips, British Telecommunications, Hitachi, BASF, Panasonic and BMW. My focus was on business analysis and improvement, quality, marketing and people development
Eventually I lived or worked in three continents as a Trainer, Manager, Director, Managing Director (CEO) and Consultant with knowledge and experience in:
Corporate Caramia
- Executive and Board level P&L responsibility and consulting
- Business Analysis, Business Management, Organizational Change and Transformation
- Human Resource Management Consultancy, Recruitment and Training
- Executive and Board level search, selection and mentoring
- International Leadership Development
- Project Management
- Quality Systems and Processes
- J.I.T. Logistics & Distribution
- Marketing & Sales Consultancy (on & off line)
- Web Site Content Research & Writing
- Copy writing and Technical Writing
- Holistic and Functional Medicine
In the process, I earned Performance Awards and by the age of 35 was offered a Partnership with PricewaterhouseCoopers. I turned it down.
For a man: my husband to be. 
I joined his Company, Hartley Computer UK Ltd as MD and our team won a major deal quickly.
Meanwhile, I had resigned from the RAF.
Married life was not conducive to a demanding Intelligence role, where I was under Oath to share little information, or was called up with little notice.
The RAF was a fantastic experience in many ways, and I learned much about life and myself. But 16 years was enough. I had served my country, proven my ‘worth’ and was ready to move on.
At the time, I also didn’t realise how deeply the emotional and psychological scars from my Military experiences would become festering wounds.
On the surface, all seemed rosy.
Elm Park Farm home back lawn view
We decided to buy a large beautiful country house between Bristol and Bath, UK. It was set amidst gorgeous rolling green hills and forests and had a large indoor pool / games area. It even had it’s own apple orchard!
Delightful.
It truly seemed like the home of my dreams.
BUT.....By then, something had to give. It did: my health and wellbeing.
MS Origins Conclusion
I now see that my MS origins were rooted in suppressed emotional tension caused largely by my perception of my autocratic father. Much of my subsequent life was focused on proving to him, myself and others that I was ‘worthy’ of love and attention.
This life was characterised by a frenetic globe trotting lifestyle where I had little time to eat, sleep or relax properly.
Traumatic Military experiences worsened my internal angst and external physical pain. I supressed both to cope.
My mind, body, heart and sole became devoid of nutrient and genuine, unconditional love.
Externally, I appeared to be wealthy, successful and conformed to the image of the high flying, successful professional.
Inside I indulged in ego dramas and hid behind walls of emotional scar tissue.
Physically, I became a Toxic Time Bomb.....over-acidified and under-oxygenated
Huge emotional, physical and sexual tension and stress eventully caused a disruption of the energy flows throughout me. My immune system broke down because the electrical signals and nutrients so necessary for the proper functioning of the nerves and cells had short circuited or burnt out.
Indeed, I was literally a classic case of Burn out. Energy does not and cannot lie.
Speaking of lies, or at the very least, Gross Medical Mis-information.....We are told by most medical experts that MS is caused by
- Deterioration/holes in the protective myelin sheath that surrounds nerve fibers in the central nervous system,
- Lesions in the brain.
This site proves how these are Symptoms NOT Causes.
My Story Introduction | Next Stage - Stage 1
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