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Core: Intimacy and Sex

Initially, the MS Diagnosis seems to squash your life AND your love / sex life! This doesn’t mean that you no longer want or can’t enjoy sex. It‘s just that MS adds so many complications, right?!

Complication seen by the fact that Intimacy and Sex ‘with MS’ seem to be taboo topics? Why?

What is the problem? And, Who exactly has it? Whenever I ask such questions, I get a shocked stare and wry smile. I repeat: What is the problem?

Perhaps it’s because many don’t like to discuss hard to understand issues with no easy or obvious solutions? Perhaps it’s also because sex and sexuality within MS challenge many cultural and sexual ‘norms’ that are rarely expressed?

Such issues need to be expressed don’t you think?

This particularly applies to two groups of people with MS:

• Those who are uninterested in sex. For you, Relationship / Intimacy sections 1-4 may be more relevant than the Sex parts 5-8 of this page. Watch for No Sex Please Blogs dedicated to you.
• Gay people who seem to be treated like a ‘minority within a minority’. Does that mean you are not supposed to have a sex life? For you, I will be posting MS and Gay Sex Blogs

To expose the negative impact of culturally prescribed sexual norms and expectations on intimacy and sex for MS people, the initial focus of this page is on the ‘meaning’ of sex and sexuality in MS. Then I describe the more technical ‘how’ MS affects sex.

I don’t explore the great benefits of sex on health in general, as you can find this information elsewhere. For now, I’ll just say that many reputable studies ^[1] have confirmed that an active sex life boosts immunity, increases blood flow, reduces pain, relieves stress, burns calories, improves Cardiovascular Health and sleep. In short, satisfying sex leads to a longer life, and a more positive sense of personal worth and well-being.

So I reckon we can all do with it....with or without MS!

Indeed, according to Dr. Dean Ornish ^[2] who specialises in how intimacy positively affects health:

“Anything that promotes feelings of love and intimacy is healing.
If you have someone who really cares for you and for whom you care in return,
then you may be three to five times less likely at risk of premature death and disease from all causes.”

So, let’s now talk about sex, intimacy and MS as healthy adults eager to make the most of our lives!

Now that’s out the way, let’s talk SEX.

You’re about to discover this ‘Naked’ content:

Contents

1. Sex Versus Intimacy

2. Redefining Sexuality

3. Rediscovering Your Body

4. Communication

5. How MS Affects Sex

6. Sex Tools, Toys and Treatments for Men

7. Sex Tools, Toys and Treatments for Women

8. Natural Supplements and Hormones for both Men & Women

9. Finally..........

References

1. Sex Versus Intimacy

Uless you have never been interested in sex, you know how your sexual behaviour and activities pre MS diagnosis can be very different post.

Due largely to all the MS challenges, as explained below in 5. How MS Affects Sex, it becomes obvious (if you didn’t know before) that sex and intimacy are not the same.

It is true that being intimate with another person usually means having a sexual relationship. But the complications of MS often mean that sex for the sake of sex may not be possible or desirable.

(Is it ever?!)

For most with MS, intimacy with another becomes more critical than sex itself, and often a necessary condition for satisfying sex.

Indeed, most of the men and women I have asked about this say that they rate intimacy more highly than sex. Mutual affection, warmth, tenderness, physical touch, trust, open and honest communication about respective needs and desires, shared goals and expectations, and mutual respect are preferable to a ‘quick fling’ (or even a lingering fling’!)

That’s not to say that satisfying sex and intimacy are not possible. They are.

MS just requires you to be a little more understanding and....creative....

........like sex and chocolate...perhaps?!!!!

In fact, confronting the challenges of MS can bring many partners closer together, deepening their sense of connectedness and commitment.

Indeed, this woman shows the positive way MS has helped her and her partner enjoy their relationship:

“If circumstance hadn’t forced us to develop our sexual relationship
we might never have discovered the variety and depth of feelings and experiences
that are now part of our entire lives, not just our sex life”

To do this both partners had to get clear what sexuality within the MS context meant for them.....

2. Redefining Sexuality

2.1. What IS ‘Sexy’?

Who, I ask, conforms to the modern macho image of ‘Sexy’? What IS ‘Sexy’ anyhow?

I guess this is very culturally dependent isn’t it?

In the West, someone who is youngish, healthy, slim but voluptuous / muscular, oozing confidence, charm, and sex appeal! (or, something more to your taste!) is likely to be seen as ‘Sexy’.

In the Far and Middle East where I worked, I was considered ‘Sexually unattractive’ because I was too skinny and career oriented!

Interestingly, as you see in My Story - Stage 0, in Borneo I was viewed as ‘Sexless’. I was very tall, slim, tanned and had long thick blond hair: a combination not seen by the locals before and the opposite of their understanding of ‘sexy’.

Instead, they thought my ‘gold’ hair was a source of ‘magical powers’ and my ‘golden’ skin a reflection of being ‘inhabited’ by benevolent, wealthy Gods. So they called me the ‘Golden Girl Spirit’, and couldn’t stop touching me!

Although it was weird, the truth is I loved it! I was openly adored and admired...even if as a ‘Spirit’!

Better than sex, perhaps!!??

Anyway...back to the real world of MS, Intimacy and Sex, and how they are all affected by cultural norms and assumptions.....

2.2. What IS ‘Sexy’ With MS?

SSexy with MS is all about your thoughts and feelings about you as a sexual being and how this has changed because of MS.

Your feelings are shaped by what you think you should be able to do, and by others’ reactions to you. Both consciously and sub consciously we are consumed with questions like:

• Am I still ‘sexy’ / attractive to the opposite sex / my partner?
• Will my partner still love me?
• Can I (still) be a good lover?
• How can I be interested in sex when I have so much else to deal with from MS?
• Why does it take me so long to get turned on?
• Will my erection last?
• Can I have an orgasm?
• How can I have any good sex life when I am so tired?
• What if I lose bladder control during sex?
• How much /when should I tell my (potential) partner?
• Will I put my partner off by asking if we can talk about sex?
• How can I get people to see me as a sexual person and not just as someone with a disability?

As sex is so strongly linked to self esteem, ‘performance’ in these physical and partnership spheres of sexual life can have direct effects on self image. This is also discussed in My Story - Stage 6.

Dr George Szasz ^[3] notes that changes in self esteem and self image which accompany disabling conditions like MS are often the result of changes in our perceptions about our sexual and social life.

It’s only by resolving these issues for ourselves first, that we can begin to address them in our relationships.

In this way we get to the broader and deeper issues of sexuality that involve self acceptance, trust and unconditional love. This is also mentioned in My Story - Stage 6.

Indeed, we need to realise how our self defeating attitudes and culturally prescribed assumptions about sex in general and sexual performance and sex roles in particular, can worsen the direct effects MS may have on our sexual desire and activities. This also applies to those with MS who have no desire to enter into sexual relationships.

For more on the impact of cultural norms and assumptions on MS people please see Core: Emotions - 3. Common MS Assumptions and their Emotional Impact.

Take sexual performance for example.

References

1. There are many reputable studies showing the health benefits of satisfying sex such as:
   • At WebMD: 10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex
   • At 4 Freedoms: The Health Benefits of Sex
   • At SHVOONG (Summaries and Short Reviews): The (health) benefits of sex part 2
2. Information about Dr Dean Ornish, professor of medicine at the University of California, San Francisco, and the president of the Preventive Medicine Research Institute can be found here. He is also author of the acclaimed “The Spectrum: A Scientifically Proven Program to Feel Better, Live Longer, Lose Weight, and Gain Health”, and of “Love and Survival: the Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy”.
3. Dr George Szasz is an MS therapist and researcher at the University of British Columbia. He has written several papers on the effects of MS on sex such as “Sexual Dysfunction in Multiple Sclerosis” in Annals New York Academy of Sciences 436:443-452 and “A Sexual Functioning Scale in Multiple Sclerosis” in Symposium on a Minimal Record of Disability for Multiple Sclerosis 70:37-43.